


A fake reality hidden by the sun

by EJBEisGay



Category: Percy Jackson and the Olympians & Related Fandoms - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Fluff, Gift Fic, Hurt Nico di Angelo, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Nico-centric, Night Terrors, Nightmares, Not Beta Read, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, at all, forgot to add that oops!, hes dealing with not feeling real lads, i mean i guess he deals with it but never mentions it, merry crisis!
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-28
Updated: 2020-12-28
Packaged: 2021-03-10 21:08:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,188
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28383747
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EJBEisGay/pseuds/EJBEisGay
Summary: Derealizationis an alteration in the perception or experience of the external world so that it seems unreal. Other symptoms include feeling as though one's environment is lacking in spontaneity, emotional coloring, and depth. It is a dissociative symptom that may appear in moments of severe stress.Depersonalizationcan consist of a detachment within the self, regarding one's mind or body, or being a detached observer of oneself. Subjects feel they have changed and that the world has become vague, dreamlike, less real, lacking in significance or being outside reality while looking in.Nico deals with stuff. At least he has Will by his side. (And even Dionysus - though it’s through the phone.)
Relationships: Nico di Angelo/Will Solace
Comments: 12
Kudos: 61





	A fake reality hidden by the sun

**Author's Note:**

  * For [ClaraSE](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ClaraSE/gifts).



> OK FUCKOS, IM ROLLING IN WITH THE CHRISTMAS PRESENTS THEN GONNA CONTINUE W MY OTHER FICS FUCK
> 
>  **WARNING!** this fic focuses on depersonalization and derealization(summary and tags, anyone?), so if you're easily triggered by it please don't read. as a person who deals with these on a daily basis, writing it has been wonderful, if not a bit confusing ngl, but just stay on the safe side with this fic!
> 
> (also love the fact that i projected onto a traumatised character <3 nico baby suffer for our entertainment)
> 
> sorry in advance if stuff feels confusing. yeehaw
> 
> enjoy!

“Will. Stop.”

Nico’s tears were heavy with grief. His throat tightened. Will didn’t let go.

“Will, please stop. Let go of me, _please_.”

The blonde's arms tightened around him instead, but they felt faint. Far away. Nico shut his eyes and whimpered. His chest hurt.

“ _Will_. I can’t do this.”

“Yes, you can.”

“ _No_ , no I c-can’t. I-I don’t-”

Will shushed him. “It’s ok, Neeks. It’s ok. You can power through. Go back to sleep. I’m here. I’m not leaving you alone. I’m here.”

_I’m here._

Nico wrapped his arms around Will’s shoulders and cried. His body felt like it was closing in on his mind, and he felt trapped, trapped, _trapped_. He felt like his mind didn’t belong here- _he_ didn’t belong here. In Will’s arms, in their bed, in their apartment. It didn’t feel real. He didn’t feel real.

He went back to sleep with Will by his side. 

-

When did it all begin?

-

Did it begin with the two of them leaving Camp Half-Blood together? Did it begin with them confessing to one another, years after they’d known each other and a year of living together, that they were madly in love? 

Did it begin with Nico admitting defeat, telling Will about the fog and the fuzziness around him, who urged him to tell Dionysus? Who in turn forced him to go to therapy?

Did it begin with a happy ending?

-

He wasn’t sure.

-

When did it begin?

-

His nights were bad at first. Nightmare after nightmare and night terrors almost every single night; mental health declining and physical health following suit as a result. The nightmares and the night terrors - they weighed down on him like boulders hooked to his skin. Every morning he woke up exhausted, and every night he went to sleep filled with dread. 

“Did you sleep well?” Will would ask.

“Yeah,” he’d say through gritted teeth. “I did.” and the inside of his head would feel like it was a sun, its light burning through his insides and leaving nothing behind.

He wasn’t sure when they started. He didn’t have a lot of nightmares during his stay at the camp, but now that he was out of there it felt like everything was catching up on him. His mind saw a window of opportunity, and let out the rest of the misery that he had _somehow_ not dealt with back at the camp.

A year of living together with Will as roommates in California, in their own little apartment, away from all the craziness that came with Camp Half-Blood and being demigods - you’d think it would be enough time for Nico to heal. Or, at least, start on his path towards recovery.

But Nico was stubborn. That was the problem. He was stubborn and angry and still hurt, and he had lost and lost and lost and never had time to properly mourn. He had lost so many things and people, never had time for himself, and now that he actually _had_ time? 

He didn’t know how to actually use it. He _shut down_. He didn’t know what to do. He didn’t know how to feel about anything, he didn’t know if he felt like he needed to truly heal. No amount of conversations with Dionysus about his worth could have helped him figure out if he was really worth the effort or not. No amount of interventions from Will could have made him realise that he really needed help. And that he deserved it.

He couldn’t really remember most of that first year in California. There was this feeling that had started to appear at the beginning of the year that got worse throughout it - a feeling Nico couldn’t really describe properly A feeling he couldn’t really put into words without feeling ridiculous and like he was making things up. He felt fuzzy, almost, as if his edges were blurring and time was starting to meld together with no sense of passing. Not only that, but everything _around_ him was off. His interactions with others, the places he went to, the nature around him. But he couldn’t say _why_ that was.

When he told Will about this in a vague way - they had been living together for nine months already, and it felt like some sort of tension was building up between the two of them - Will immediately told him to talk to Dionysus about it. And go to therapy.

“You guys got close back at camp, didn’t you?” Will asked. “I’m sure He has some better advice than me- but you better go to therapy as well. It might help you figure shit out. I can’t help you on that front, you know that.”

He knew that. Nico knew that _he_ had to put in effort to actually get better. But he didn’t listen to Will. He didn’t go to therapy. He didn’t really ask for help any further. Nor did he talk to Dionysus about how he was feeling.

(Nico almost _did_ tell Dionysus. He wasn’t sure why he didn’t. He wished he did.)

His nights weren’t really that good.

-

Nico opened the door to Will’s room. “Will?”

He heard shuffling. “H-hey- wait, what happened? Are you ok? It’s almost four in the morning.”

“That it is.”

“Nightmare?”

“Yeah. Can I sleep with you?”

Nico heard more shuffling. Then a sigh. “Uh- yeah, I guess? Come here. Does cuddling sound good with you?”

“Yeah. It sounds good.”

Nico slept with Will that night.

(He couldn’t remember the last time he had slept so peacefully. But even that peace was temporary.)

-

His nights weren’t really that good. But they stopped getting worse ever since he started sleeping together with Will.

-

Did they?

-

He wasn’t sure if he could trust himself. He wasn’t sure if he could trust what was happening.

Was he actually doing better? Was he doing worse?

He couldn’t really tell. He wasn’t sure who to trust.

-

Will was a good big spoon. And really warm. Nico liked that about him.

-

“You know, Nico,” Will said. “You’ve been sleeping with me for about a month.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah. I think that’s neat.”

“I guess it is.”

“Have the nightmares tapered out?”

“Not really.”

“That’s ok. We’ll figure it out, ok?”

“Alright.”

Time passed in silence, only the shuffling of papers heard and the scratching of pens. Then the two went to sleep.

-

“Hey, Nico.”

“What?”

The two demigods locked eyes. Will grinned.

“You’re pretty, Neeks.”

“Uh, thanks? So are you.”

“Thanks. I guess.”

They looked away, feeling just a tad bit awkward. Time passed. They went to sleep.

-

Will was really pretty. Too pretty, almost.

Nico was in love with him.

-

Nico felt haunted. Haunted by his past, haunted by his memories. Or the lack of them, sometimes. 

Sometimes he touched his old jacket he used to wear at the Camp in an attempt to ground himself. To remind himself of all that has happened and to remind himself he was real. All he went through - that all of it was real. 

At one point the jacket stopped _feeling_ real. The material of the jacket felt like fog under his fingers and it made Nico tear up.

Was he even touching anything in the first place? Was he even there? Was he-

He went back to sleep. 

-

His nightmares haunted him.

-

Though Nico was feeling unsure about his reality, one thing he was certain of was that he had fallen in love with Will. Even with all the shit they’ve gone through, Nico had somehow, like a dumbass, gotten attached to the blonde throughout their friendship, and had only fallen harder and harder with each passing day.

He had gotten attached to the son of Apollo, the dork extraordinaire. Nico fell in love with everything about him. From his hair, his eyes, his freckles and lips; to his voice and personality, and everything that encompassed him.

Nico fell in love with the way that Will bit his nails when he was stressed out because of his classes, and he fell in love with his shitty coffee. Nico fell in love with the way he tied his hair up into a ponytail that always got messed up by the end of the day, and he fell in love with all the small burns the blonde got on his fingers from his lighter. He fell in love with the faint smell of oranges and cigarette smoke that Will always had, and he fell in love with his fashion sense and posture and moves and stupid jokes.

Nico fell in love with Will. All of him. And he hated himself for it.

(But not enough to stop Nico from pursuing him, surprisingly.)

He wasn’t sure what led Nico to make the first move. He didn’t even think he’d have the guts to do it himself, nor was he entirely sure that Will felt the same. But he did, and Nico did so rather boldly. The two of them were at home, talking about whatever nonsense soap opera Will was watching at the time and was invested in, when Nico couldn’t take it anymore. Nothing felt real to him, not even his own feelings at times, but by the gods if he wouldn’t at least make this feel real. Not for him, but at least for Will.

Nico had shoved Will down on one of the kitchen chairs, straddled him, and told him what a dumbass he was before kissing him with all he had. Will had enthusiastically reciprocated, and their night had ended with the two of them in Will’s bed, just like the last few months, but instead this time they were able to really get to know the other.

Nico couldn’t remember when the last time he felt so _real_ was. Being on top of Will, hands exploring new territories on their bodies, mouths connected and hearts beating as one. Nico felt _alive_. He felt _real_.

The feeling dissipated as soon as they woke up. But he was fine with it, for now. He was fine with it.

His nights weren’t really that good. But they weren’t getting worse.

-

With Will by his side they started getting better, instead. Little by little.

-

“Will?”

“Mm?”

“Can you sing that lullaby of yours?”

“Which one?”

“With your dad and Icarus.”

“Sure. Get comfortable, alright?”

Nico wiggled a bit, setting his hands on Will’s waist and smiling at the blonde. Will smiled back.

“I’m ready, Prince Charming. Woo me with your singing.”

Will grinned. Then he started singing.

-

He wasn’t real. At least that’s what he thought. But he had Will by his side.

(For now, he supposed. Reality was weird.)

-

His nights were getting better, Nico thought for just a moment. As good as they could get, at least.

Even though he still woke up with tears in his eyes and a gasp on his lips, things started getting better with them. His nights, and, well, with Will as well.

Will’s presence at night definitely helped him and made everything more bearable. Waking up crying with him by his side now was easier than waking up all alone in his cot back at the camp. Will would take him in his arms, rock him back and forth, kiss his forehead and wipe his tears away. He would even sing lullabies if Nico asked him to(not that he was good at it, but Nico enjoyed it either way).

He felt spoiled, almost, with how much Will would dote on him and take care of him after his nightmares. It made sense, though. Will was a healer at the end of the day, and Nico was the one that always got hurt somehow and needed help. It got even better when the two finally got together.

(Nico felt guilty about needing help. He didn’t feel like he was really there, so why waste the time on him? But Will was still by his side after all of this, so maybe he wasn’t that worthless in the end.)

And Will was gentle and kind with him every damn time Nico would hurt himself. He would be gentle with him when he would almost tear his skin off when the nightmares got bad, and he would be gentle with him when Nico would dig his nails so deep into his skin blood would pool down his wrist and drip down, and down, and down, and- 

Will was stern at times as well, especially when Nico would end up making himself bleed with whatever he had on hand, and especially when Nico thought he could just lash out at him. But even then he was always gentle. Will was even gentler when Nico would go to him, crying, with cuts on his arms that he did to himself. 

Will reminded him of the gentle warmth of the sun, really.

(Which, thinking about it, made sense. He was the son of Apollo after all. _All_ of Will radiated warmth to Nico. _All_ of Will radiated kindness, even if he was a bit of an asshole at times. A cocky asshole. He was the sun, and Nico was going to crash into him.)

(Was that how it went? He wasn’t sure anymore. Poor Icarus, the bastard.) 

It had been weird at first. Getting used to the constant kindness that came from Will, which only multiplied when the two became an item and Will started showering Nico with even more attention than usual. But he made up for it by always bickering with him, almost like an old married couple would. And, oh, didn't that thought make his mind go fuzzy and his heart beat fast. Marriage was way out of the image, the two of them still fitting in their little apartment and jobs and educations and in their relationship, but it was a nice idea nonetheless. Another day, perhaps.

Ah, where was he again? Right. Will was gentle, like the sun was gentle during spring. Will, his boyfriend, saw something in Nico that Nico couldn’t see, and thought ‘yes. I want to show _him_ my radiance and warmth. just to him.’. And it made Nico’s day just a bit better when he thought of it.

 _Nico’s_ boyfriend. Nico’s _boyfriend_.

He was still baffled by it. The fact that Will somehow saw something in him worth loving. Something worth caring for.

His nights were getting better.

-

Nico’s chest felt like it was ripping itself apart. Dark claws crawling their way up his flesh and bones and slithering to his throat where they dug their claws in and shredded it to pieces. His head felt empty, yet full with clotted blood and mud. His vision was fuzzy and his heart was ready to explode, and he couldn’t talk, he couldn’t _breathe_ -

“Wi-W-ill- I-I-”

“It’s ok, Neeks. I’m here, I’m here. Come on, breath me with, alright? Breath in.”

“I ca- I can’t see you- _I can’t see you_ -”

“I’m here, I’m here. _Yes you can_. Open your eyes, you’re safe. You’re safe and sound and not injured, nor am I. Breathe in with me, come on.”

Two hands placed themselves on his chest and - and a sudden burst of light, of healing, went through him, and his ribs were settling down and he felt like he was _alive_ -

“Breathe out.”

Nico breathed out, but the claws were still there and were still hanging on, slowly inching towards his mind. The sun was now shining inside of him almost, but even the light could not entirely exist without the dark. He choked.

“No, no, no- Come on, Neeks. You’ve got this. Like Chiron taught you. Breath in, hold, breath out. Ok? Breath in.”

Nico breathed in. Held his breath. Then Nico breathed out. His eyes stayed shut, tears clinging to his lashes. The claws stopped and the light burned brighter.

“There we go. Alright, open your eyes. Can you feel my hands?” Will trailed his arms down to Nico’s hands. Nico nodded. His eyes stayed shut.

“Neeks, open your eyes. Let’s do the thing- the- fuck, I don’t remember the name. The exercise to keep you grounded, or whatever. The one that-”

“-Dionysus taught us,” Nico croaked out. His mouth was dry and his throat was hurting, but he pushed through. “We can do that.”

Nico felt the way Will startled at his voice. He smiled. Or tried to, at least.

“Fuck, don’t jump on me like that. But yes, yes, that one. Can you do that? Tell me one thing you're feeling, two you’re hearing, three you’re seeing. And try again to breathe slowly, alright?”

Nico nodded. The claws were retreating and the light was now making its way through the cracks in his bones. He opened his eyes, and the sight of darkness and Will’s hair greeted him warmly. Warmer than any light ever could. “Alright.”

It took fifteen whole minutes to get Nico back to the realm of the living. Or at least, the realm of not-panicking-so-hard-that-you-almost-die. A fluffy blanket was wrapped around his shoulders at one point, and a new pair of fuzzy socks were put on his feet. He didn’t complain. The coziness of all of it made Nico feel at ease. Made him feel _real_.

He went to sleep with Will by his side. (Real, real, _real_.)

-

“Will.”

“Yeah?”

“I think I’m dealing with derealisation. And depersonalisation.”

“What?”

“It’s- uh. It’s a bit complicated. It’s a mind thing.”

“That’s alright. You can walk me through it, if you want. No pressure, starlight.”

Nico sighed. “You know how sometimes I talk about myself as if I’m not real? That nothing around me feels real?”

-

“ _Oh_.”

“That’s it? Just an ‘ _oh_ ’?”

“Kid. I know what those concepts are, I’m not the god of madness for nothing. It just clicked with me- it makes sense you’re dealing with it after so much crap.”

“Does it?”

“Yup. And I know just the right person to help you. Let me give him a call first, then I’ll tell you all about it.”

-

His nightmares weren’t as bad anymore, Nico realized.

They weren’t as violent and bloody as they used to be. The nightmares weren’t as haunting as they used to be; the sight of his sister in his dreams didn’t fill him with rage, or anger, or grief anymore. Not as much as they used to, at least. He didn’t hear Bianca’s screams anymore, and he didn’t think of all of the ways he could have prevented her fate.

He realized this after he took a nap with Will. It had been a slow summer day, where work was slow and food was plenty, which meant that sleepiness would overtake them easily. And it did. When the two had arrived home after work was over, they immediately went to bed together, and the nap that ensued was something he could write songs about with how restful it was.

And when he woke up to Will’s sleepy smile and knotted hair; his green eyes and stupid, freckled, dimpled cheeks - Nico’s heart thumped in his chest, and he hid his smile in his pillow. He heard Will’s laughter. Warmth washed over Nico. A light, an ember, burning at his skin, burning at his entire being. At his soul. That’s how it felt like to wake up to Will. And the knowledge that he was able to rest now, without being terrified at the idea of going to sleep-

His nightmares weren’t as bad. Or there at all nowadays. He was safe, he was happy, he was _real_.

He was real.

-

(Until he wasn’t.)

-

It had started with the night terrors, caused again by some stupid fucking monsters that tried to attack the coffee shop he worked at during the day. They weren't even that strong. It was quite pathetic, actually, but it still made Nico feel uneasy with his surroundings and the people around him. It made him paranoid. It made him question himself. It made him question his sanity.

Will and Nico hadn’t been the target of any attacks ever since they left camp, which was a nice change of pace and a welcomed thing. It had been well over a year since they last had to deal with any kind of fight, and who would’ve thought that a random attack like that would make Nico feel like shit. It brought the night terrors back, that was for sure. And gods, the fucking night terrors.

He _knew_ he wouldn’t have gotten hurt in any way during them. That was the nature of night terrors. He knew that if he had kept his eyes closed he would have been ok. But the monsters in the shadows- the monsters in the _light_ that came from the outside and from under the door - They terrified him so much. 

They had crawled their way up the walls and up above him; they had lowered themselves and kicked around them and punched the walls, making their presence truly known with groans and shrieks that made Nico shiver in terror They had gone right up to Nico’s face, and he saw blood (blood, blood, blood, _so much blood_ ) and he saw teeth. Rows upon rows of teeth, and the beady, flashing eyes of the creatures popped out and stared at him and stared and stared and _stared and stared and **stared**_ -

-

How long did it go for? He didn’t know.

-

“You had a night terror last night.”

“It doesn’t matter.”

“Have you been telling Dr. Bloom about them?”

“No. They’ll pass, it’s fine.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes.”

“I don’t believe that.”

“Will- I’ll be fine. Leave me alone.

“If you say so. I’m here for you, though.”

“Thanks”.

-

How long?

-

“You’re crying in your sleep again.”

“Am I?”

“Yeah. You did that during the first month of us sleeping together.”

“I guess I did.”

“It scares me Nico.”

Nico didn’t respond.

“Nico. I’m worried.”

Nico was as well.

-

How-

-

Nico cracked in the end.

“I think they’re getting worse, Will.”

“What?”

“The night terrors.”

“I figured that out some time ago. You know you can talk to me about them, right?”

“I know. Thank you. It means a lot.”

“It’s the least I can do, starlight. I care for you.”

“I care for you as well.” _Even if it was hard at times._

-

Was it months?

-

How long?

-

“Bloom said I need to take antidepressants.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah. And some other stuff too, but I don’t know how I feel about all of this.”

“It’s a step towards healing, Nico. Don’t feel ashamed for needing extra help, yeah?”

“Yeah. I won’t.”

“Good.”

-

Was he real?

-

Was he-

-

“ _Neeks_. Neeks, please wake up. It’s not real. You’re here, you’re safe, you’re-”

Nico’s eyes shot open and he jumped away from Will, falling off the bed, entangled with the countless blankets they had. Nico screamed.

Nico snarled, and if his voice cracked and shook as he spoke - it didn't matter. “I’m not safe, Will.” 

He almost felt bad when he saw the way Will’s eyes widened in shock. Nico pushed on, holding back his sobs. “I-I’m not- I’m not _safe_ , Will. I never was. I don’t even- I can’t even tell if this is- if it was real, if what- what- _what_ -”

Will started moving towards Nico, but he stopped when he saw the way Nico sneered at him. Will frowned, but raised his hands in surrender.

“But you _are_ safe, and you _are_ real. Nico-” Nico flinched, “please listen to me. It was just a night terror. You’re fine, ok?”

“But what if I’m not?”

“But you are.”

“I don’t feel like it.”

Will slowly moved towards Nico across the bed. “I know. That’s why you go to your therapist. Dr. Bloom? Remember him?”

His head started pounding. Nico grimaced and closed his eyes. “Yeah, the one Dionysus recommended.”

“Yeah, him. Remember what he told you, alright?”

Nico let out a sob as blonde he made his way down to the floor next to Nico. They stayed on the floor for gods know how long, Nico sobbing his heart out.

When the sobs receded, Will spoke again.

“It was because of the attack, wasn’t it? That you got worse.”

Nico shrugged and looked down at his hands, “I guess.”

“You guess?”

Nico rolled his eyes. “What do you want me to say? _Yes_ , Willie Wonka-”

“-Hey!-”

“-The monsters that scared the shit out of me _months ago_ made my brain regress with the progress I made! There, are you happy?”

“Har, har. But yes, I am. Thank you for telling me. But why didn’t you tell me about this earlier?”

“I thought it was obvious.”

“I’m not a mind reader, you know? I may be a healer and nurse in training, but you’re not my _patient_. You’re my boyfriend, and it’s your decision to tell me about how you are. We’re both stubborn, I know, but there are limits as well.”

“Boundaries. Ugh.”

“They’re important. You know that.”

The room was colder than Nico thought. He started shivering. “Yeah, I guess.”

“You’re worth the effort, Nico. Stop hurting yourself like this.”

Nico didn’t respond.

“Nico.”

“Fuck off.”

Will shuffled closer to him. “You know I won’t.”

“I want you to.”

“No, you don’t.

“Yes, I-” Nico stopped himself, grimacing at the searing pain in his head. His headache was getting worse. 

“No,” Will’s fingers skittered down Nico’s cheekbones, his chin, and down to his collarbones, where they started tapping him. Grounding him. “You don’t, nectar.” 

Nico focused on the rhythmic taps and the warmth that was coming off of the blonde in waves, making Nico feel better. Just a bit. 

He wished he had the energy to hug Will. He needed it. Nico clenched his eyes shut tighter.

“You know what’s fucked? I still don’t feel real, even after all of this. It’s so fucked.”

“I can only guess. We’ll deal with this tomorrow, alright? You need rest now.”

“But if I’m not real then I don’t ne-”

“Nico di Angelo,” Will said, and Nico flinched at the hard tone of his voice. “You stop going down that rabbithole right now, or by the gods I am going to kill you, and your dad will thank me for it. Get in bed, right now, with me. _Doctor’s orders_.”

“What if I won’t?”

“Then I’ll drag you up to the bed, alright?”

“Sure, whatever.”

“Whatever.”

“Whatever!”

Will did, in the end, carry Nico bridal style back to the bed, wrapping him in the blankets like he would a tortilla. It made Nico feel fuzzy, and he was able to ignore the static growing at the edge of his vision, his mind, his body. Sure, maybe he wasn’t real, but he could indulge in Will’s love and kindness towards him for a bit. Maybe.

It had started with a night terror, and it ended with one. That was the oversimplified version of it, though. Will convinced Nico to finally tell his therapist about how he was _actually_ doing; about his night terrors and nightmares, and how they almost made him lose his shit. _Again_.

Later that week Nico called Dionysus and told Him about his progress. The two steps back, then the step forward. He heard Him chuckle. 

“Good. Don’t let yourself go mad just yet, alright? You’ve still got a few years ahead of you at best.”

Nico promised Him he wouldn’t do so. That he’ll try better this time.

He supposed that his nights were _starting_ to get better. Even though he was feeling unsafe, his reality starting to go fuzzy around the edges, and most of his interactions feeling like they never happened - his nights were getting better. A bit. Just a bit.

-

“You’ve stopped crying in your sleep.”

“That’s good.”

“Yeah! That’s progress! Let me give you a smooch-”

“-Ew, gross, get awat from me!”

-

“Hey, Will?”

“What’s up?”

“Thank you. For everything.”

“Hey, it’s alright. I’m glad I can help you. Even if it’s just a little.”

-

While his nights were getting better, his days were improving as well, Nico mused after some time.

It was the little things happening throughout the day that really made him feel at ease. The waking up by Will’s side in the morning, the simple breakfasts with Will they always made sure to have together and on time(so they could both take their damn medicine, for adhd and depression and anxiety and- blah blah, you get the gist). Even just being driven to work by Will, having simple, but lovely conversations with his coworkers and manager and customers, and learning how to make more complex coffees and cupcakes. Going back home, relaxing with Will, and just being allowed to _breathe_ without his mind screaming at him that he didn’t deserve to be alive; that he wasn’t even alive in the first place.

His days were getting better. 

His studies were getting better as well, which was nice.

He thought taking up a part time job alongside his English major would fuck him up majorly. But who would’ve thought that going to therapy, having an amazing boyfriend, an amazing support group and friends, and even really good teachers who understood his struggles and helped him out along the way would be incredibly beneficial. At least, once he started to actually accept their help.

Nico struck gold, with all of this. Never in his life had he ever thought he could consider himself lucky, because let's be honest, his life had been less than stellar. But this? The kindness and love he's been getting from all around him, and the care that he never thought he deserved just given to him freely?

He was baffled.

-

But.

Why did nothing feel real to him? Why did Will’s nuzzles and sleepy kisses feel like another dream? Why did the interesting conversations with his coworkers feel like they never happened? Why did the time spent with his old friends and his new friends feel like it never passed? Why didn’t it feel real to him?

-

It didn’t feel real. It didn’t feel real. It didn’t feel real.

-

(He wasn’t real, he wasn’t real, he wasn’t real.)

-

Derealisation was a bitch, he realized after some time. He wished he could enjoy all of this, and let himself preen under the sunlight and let himself enjoy the coolness of the waves.

(Depersonalization was a bitch, he decided as well. It wasn’t enough that he hated himself, but his brain made itself believe that he wasn’t even real. What the fuck was this?)

-

But his days were getting better. He’d push through the fog and haze and static and cotton and all the things that made his reality seem _not there_ , and he would enjoy the laughs and the food and the stories and the happiness and the care and the love, love, love, love-

-

His days were getting better.

-

(Was he in denial, maybe? He wasn’t sure. It didn’t feel real.)

-

“Will.”

“Yeah?”

“Can we take a nap together?”

“Sure, let me finish this page then I’ll be all ready for you.”

“Then you’ll be all mine?”

Nico heard Will laugh as he went to their bedroom. “I’m already all yours, starlight.”

His face burned. “Good,” he said. Nico closed the bedroom door behind him.

-

“Will.”

“Yeah?”

“Do you want to take a nap?”

“I’m too busy right now, I need to get this paper done ASAP or I’m done for.”

“Alright. Can I stay with you at least?”

“Sure. Just don’t distract me too much.”

Nico did distract him in the end. The nap was more alluring to Will after he laid fucked out on the couch, his head on Nico’s chest. Nico playing with his long hair seemed to only make him sleepier.

They slept peacefully. Dreamlessly.

His days were getting better, Nico thought, drifting to sleep.

-

“Will.”

“What?”

“Have you eaten anything today? Other than breakfast, I mean.”

“I ate an orange earlier.”

“And when was that?”

Will didn’t respond.

“I’m cooking you some food. Get ready to take a break or else I’m tying you up.”

“Sounds good to me.”

Nico rolled his eyes. “Dork.”

“But I’m _your_ dork.”

“Yes, you are.”

-

His days and nights were getting better, Nico thought.

Even if it was temporary.

He thought of all of the ways that maybe his mind was playing tricks on itself - lying to him about all of this. That maybe none of this was real. Nothing actually happened. He was just stuck as a lonely, miserable asshole who had no one by his side, and he was imagining all of this shit up.

But when Will would dance with him after dinner in their kitchen, bottle of wine open and soft music playing from their phones? When Will would hold his hands to Nico’s face and know what he needed in that moment and how he was feeling( _real_ feelings)? 

And what about when Will would wake Nico up at 3 am because he recalled some bad memories, and he wanted to make sure Nico didn’t leave him without telling Will first? Those nights, spent together, huddled under the blankets, watching stupid YouTube videos or feeling one another up, to know and understand that the other was there with them and they were _real_ \- that they were _there_?

It didn’t feel real, but the knowledge that it _was_ real sat heavy in the back of his throat whenever he was awake, and that was enough enough for now.

His days and nights were getting better, Nico thought. Even if it was temporary.

-

They were staring out of their kitchen window, watching the people and cars passing by and enjoying the sunlight, with Will hugging Nico from behind, when the clouds started coming in. 

It was a slow day, nothing out of the ordinary happening, but it was nice. The two of them had free from school and work today, and what better thing to do than to stare at things together while holding onto one another, music playing faintly from Nico’s phone, and the living room TV opened up on a random news channel. Even the world around them seemed to slow down; nothing of note happening in the world, other than a few murders, car accidents, and corrupt officials. Nothing new there.

So the dark clouds came as a surprise, rolling in and covering the sky entirely in just about five minutes, and even less time for the rain to kick in. The sun was hidden entirely, only a faint glow being visible. Nico sighed. “I wonder who angered Zeus.”

“Whoever it is, I pray that they did it for a good cause at least.”

“Yeah, me too.”

Some time passed. The rain started to pound harder against their window.

“It’s raining now.” Will said.

Nico hummed. “That it is.”

“I miss the sun already.”

“So do I,” Nico murmured. Will placed his head on top of Nico’s.

A few seconds passed. Nico spoke again.

“D’you miss him?”

“Who?”

He looked up at the mess of blonde hair visible. Nico smiled. “Your dad.”

“Sometimes, I guess. I’m happy to just be here with you though. I see him all the time during the day, don’t I?”

Nico hummed. “That is true, yeah.”

“Do you?”

“What?”

“Miss your dad.”

“Not really.”

“Cool.”

They continued staring out of the window until the rain stopped and the clouds started to break apart. The sun shone through once again. Nico smiled and turned around to face Will.

“Wanna go out for some soda? I’m craving some Mountain Dew right now.”

A huff of laughter escaped Will. “Sure. Some Fanta sounds nice right about now.”

His days were getting better.

-

It was winter, three(or was it four?) years since they’ve been living together, and they had just woken up from sleep when Nico realized something. Nico smiled

“Will.”

Will yawned and peeked his head out from under the blanket. “Yeah?”

“I haven’t had a nightmare in a long while. Not even a night terror.”

Will’s lips twitched in a faint smile. “Really? That’s good.”

“Yeah. And you know what else?”

“Hm?”

Nico breathed in. Held his breath. Breathed out. “I think I feel real.”

“You do?” Will asked, excitement muted by the sleepiness still hanging onto him, his hands resting on Nico’s waist rubbing his sides. Nico nodded.

“Yeah, I think so. It’s a bit weird, but I like it.”

“That’s good.”

“That it is.”

_I feel real._

“I’m proud of you.”

Nico’s ears burned. He shoved his face into his pillow and ignored the grin on Will’s face. His cheeks were hurting already, his smile widening even further. “Thank you. I’m proud of myself too.”

It was weird, feeling real again. He knew it was only temporary - this _certainty_ that he was alive and well and safe. But he’d cling onto it for as long as it took him to really have everything set in. Even if it meant hanging on for another day. He had Will by his side, and with his warmth he could do anything.

His days and nights were getting better. Even if it was temporary,

**Author's Note:**

> if this is OOC i blame it on myself, because i only read the first percy jackson book and thats it LMAO, all i know about solangelo and other characters is from my bff so  
> yeah i wrote a fic abt charactrs whose source i havent even read yet, which i will soon tho. im so sexy


End file.
